a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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