Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have fence marks all over my body
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
