Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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