Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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