she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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