You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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