There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
