Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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