He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
