No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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