If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
