apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
