The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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