He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
