My sheets look like a crime scene.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
