i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize