I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
