Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
