Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
