i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We have started to decorate penises.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
