if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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