mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
