You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
