So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
