I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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