god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
