I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize