so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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