he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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