I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
