First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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