I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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