i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Operation Purity has been aborted
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
