Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
