There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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