she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize