I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
They have beer where we have blood.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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