she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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