So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
