32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
