Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
