I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
