Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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