When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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