I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
