We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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