the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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