just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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