she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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