tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
