So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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