Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
