the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
