I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
