So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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