The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
