Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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