You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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