Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
