i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
