I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
