the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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