Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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